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I guess my feelings don’t really matter, that I don’t need anyone by my side when I’m down or upset or depressed. Don’t you know I’m just like anyone else? Though I’m different I’m just the same inside don’t you see? Do you know how hard it is to live alone and not have anyone to care for you? And when I meet someone who I thought was special, to let her in and trust her and slowly show her my world, bit by awkward bit.

Like when I met Anya in the pub we got on so well, she wore the same religious symbol as me, a pentagram, carried the same ink on her skin, tattoos and likes the same music, alternative. We had two weeks of fun, ending my 13months of being alone. Too fast she said, Nick, you’re moving way too fast, now it’s over. In the gulf of her silence I was so affected but I knew the truth.

When I heard the gunshots and saw a man dying I wanted Anya to be there for me, I was alone. Saw evil on my own streets, not wanting to be there and a witness to such random horrific events. Silly little boys armed with 9mm pistols thinking they’re something selling drugs and being in gangs, will they ever learn? They should have heard the widow’s screams. Oh that would teach them.

My life will move on, very different now. Anya taught me to not let anyone in though I’m still her friend and don’t hate her. After seeing the murder I promised never to hate again or to carry a weapon, not even defensive. Sometimes events happen and come together, that week for me was like no other. It was all an awful fairytale with wicked people and tragedy beyond belief. And still I wrote and did my open mic readings; life must go on even in darkness, an illusion smoke and mirrors.

Still I ask who will be there for me when silent screams wake me in the deep of night. Will I forget what I saw? Will anyone ever find me, my soulmate does she exist??

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